It starts out kinda good. It's a recreation of the scene from Return of the Jedi, but instead of taking the high road, he scissors off Dracula's head.
Then Anakin and Padme are reunited and their inane conversations can begin. It's as if these two have an invented twin language that they use to talk to each other. Their dialogue is forced, and infantile. Here is an actual snippet.
Anakin: You are so...beautiful.
Padme: It's only because I'm so in love.
Anakin: No. No, it's because I'm so in love with you.
Padme: Then love has blinded you?
I speak English. I even know all those words. But I have NO idea what this means at all. No clue. Not even close.
If you watch very closely you can see almost pinpoint the moment when Samuel Jackson has completely given up in this movie. I don't want to spoil it for you.
Obi-wan rides this animal, it's kind of a reptile thing. It's dumb. It looks dumb, and it sounds dumb. I pity the child who received this toy for a Christmas present.
Then Obi-wan fights grievous. Hey, does anybody still have Darth Maul's number? That guy was a blast to watch, can we get him back? No? Oh fuck it, let's just give a bunch of lightsabres to a six armed robot. At least somebody will have a good Christmas this year.
Then some more stuff happens, but I'm too preoccupied trying to decide if James Franco or Hayden Christensen is a more terrible actor. In the end I have to say Franco, only because I'm not sure if it's Christensen's fault. Garbage in, garbage out. Any movie which can make Ewan McGregor and Natalie Portman sound like hacks shouldn't be used to judge an actor. And I've never gone out of my way to see another Hayden Christensen movie, so Franco it is. Congratulations James Franco.
Obi-wan gets blasted off of his stupid dragon thing into a pool of water. I'm hoping that thing can't swim. And yes, I understand the Jedi were caught off guard, but it's hard to believe that they could punked so hard.
Then Jimmy Smits shows up and says his 3 lines. Good job Jimmy.
The wookiees kind of send off Yoda like he was E.T. that's funny.
Cool, the Rebel Blockde Runner. That might be the coolest thing in this movie. Jimmy Smits has at least 3 more lines in this scene, I've underestimated him it seems. Scratch that, it was two lines.
I think Anakin sums up his role in this trilogy with "From my point of view it's the Jedi who are evil!". I can't believe this is the guy who turned into Darth Vader.
Obi-wan takes care of him. He calls it out like Babe Ruth.
Then they actually put the armor on him, and he has this incredibly pathetic moment where he's yelling about Natalie Portman and looking completely neutered. Thanks for infecting my original trilogy Darth Vader, George Lucas.
I feel dumber for having seen these movies.
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Ewan McGregor, to my own self, was the only actor who tried to carry any emotion about the events of the film into the narrative of the saga, but it's truly the storyline that is stricken by a lack of depth and creativity. There is no room for the audience's imagination or interest in making what was once unknown, known. One realizes this when listening to the bland, cardboard-taste-in-my-mouth explanations of Lucas' directorial choices. I sympathize with your excitement over Phantom Menace...
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